Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Panic! At the Deli

Dear girl I have a date with tonight,

I just realized you might be a vegetarian. This ruins everything. Though I have no problem with a girl who doesn’t eat meat… actually, yeah, I do have some problems with that. It’s one thing if you keep kosher or something but I don’t know if I could date a girl who can’t eat steak. Also hot dogs; sometimes I am so into hot dogs, like the street meat kind you get outside of TenJune. It would be fun to buy you one at 4 am after we stumble out of whatever house party or benefit party or gallery after party we were at, and we could eat them together and watch the sunrise and stare at Ashlee Simpson as she wanders around lost from Bungalow. That happened one night, and she came up to me and asked me if unicorns were guys or girls and my friend John took her picture with his cell phone. True story. Poor form on Ashlee’s party but true story.

There’s also Pop Burger, or White Castle in Williamsburg, or Katz’ on the LES, and if you can’t eat at any of those places you probably will not be any fun.

Especially since this is what I’ve got planned for the first date: steak hunting. This is one of my favorite activities in New York actually; you take a map and you throw a dart at it. Then you look at the neighborhood it lands on and pick a restaurant in the area. Call and make sure they have steak – funky grilled Japanese strip steak (Bond Street Sushi in Soho) or tequila soaked steak (Chiarascurria in Hell’s Kitchen) – that’s fine, it just has to be real steak. Then you go, and you rate it on a scale of 1-10 , and here’s the rule: since it’s my game, if it’s crappy steak, then I’ll buy you a bottle of champagne wherever we are to apologize. And if it’s really good steak, then you have to kiss me. And those are the rules. Especially since, if you down an entire bottle of champagne and you still don’t want to kiss me, then it’s definitely not meant to be.

So.

Don’t be a vegetarian, okay? Because you’re very good at conversation and very gorgeous even when you’re in sweats – yeah, I did see you in sweats, that one time at the marina when you didn’t think anyone was watching and you were learning how to fly-fish – and I sort of have a good feeling about you. Which may be erased if tofu is involved.

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