Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Her

Last night, Sophia asked if I’d ever been through a bad breakup. I responded by beating her at pool (Sorry Sophia. You’re really bad. We’ve gotta get you help). But I thought a lot on the walk home and Soph, just for you – only for you would I do this, okay? – let me tell you about my last bad breakup.

It happened in the Guggenheim’s young artist night.

We’d been dating for eight months, which equaled two semesters, which equaled forever. I even remembered her birthday.

We’re walking around looking at the art, and in my head I’m like, okay, I’m a better artist than this, when do I get to show in the Guggenheim? Then I get to this series of photos. They’re gorgeous black and whites of a naked girl, laid out in slivers on the wall. If you step back and look at them, you get the whole picture.

And the whole picture was, uh, my girlfriend.

I look down at the name and it’s this guy who directed her in a music video once, while she was at the New School. I look down at the date and it’s two months ago.

“Uh, babe, why are you naked in this guy’s pictures?”

And the look on her face said it all, because it was this big “oh-nothing’s-wrong” smile, like she knew what was coming. It comes out that they’ve been sneaking out behind my back for months. Which I should have known. Like she was really taking an Intro to Chinese class every Thursday night. Intro to Chinese? She can barely speak English!

So Sophia, we broke up in the Guggenheim. Basically in front of the guy who was sleeping with her when she was sleeping with me. Oh, and Jason Schwartzman was there and he saw the whole thing. And there I was in the Guggenheim with my ex girlfriend and Rushmore, and she goes, “Are you sure you want to break up? I’m a piece of art now.”

And I said, “No honey, you’re just a piece of work.”